Fat Girl Musings: I hate kids but I want a baby

Hormones are a fucking bitch.



Hey I'm Kayla and if you didn't know I hate children. They are loud, smelly, always sticky and just get worse as they grow. The sounds of children laughing makes me cringe and the gods forbid they start screaming for no reason, no. Just no.

I never wanted to have kids.

That last statement is a lie. 

I've always wanted to have a baby, to be a mom.

I was 14 when my older sister got married and had a baby. I was so excited but I never told anyone because I was not a "baby person" I never wanted to babysit for my mom's friends. Well, only if they paid me enough. I would much rather walk your dog or give it a bath.

I always had this idea that I wasn't aloud to have children. I was the fat girl that no one wanted to kiss let alone marry and have a baby.

Then after my sister had her first baby 10 months later she had another one. A little boy who stole my heart, he was the sweetest, most easy going, utterly adorable little dude, even now at 16. But I still didn't tell anyone I wanted a baby too.

Then when we moved to Oklahoma my sister got pregnant again, this time with a little girl who I got to watch at night while they worked. She would sleep on my chest and I would sing to her, feed her, give her a bath and just love her. I still love that little weirdo as if she were from my own womb. I always will.

But then my sister got pregnant for the last time and I was pissed. I was tired, our entire family was struggling mentally and financially. We didn't need another baby. I could never have a baby of my own now.

So I pushed them away.

I didn't go see her when she was born. I didn't hold her until she could walk. I didn't want to love her.

But now, they are all but grown and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I could actually have a baby of my own; well I would have to find a man first but that's a whole other story.

It really hit me last night when I went to a book exchange Christmas party and got to hold the sweetest little baby boy. I was done for the second he looked at me and I touched his little hand. I am bawling my freaking eyes out right now because I know deep down that I will never be a mother. I will never get to hold a sweet bundle of joy in my arms and know that this one, this ones mine.

I still hate children but now I let myself melt just a little when I see a baby and feel a little less resentment towards woman who are pregnant.

Forever the cool Aunt,
Kayla

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