Fat Girl Musing: Back to the Gym

Hey there beautiful creatures!


What I wanted to talk about this time is going to the gym.








In 2015/2016 I started going to the gym regularly, in 2016 I really got into lifting weights and I was in love with working out.

But then as you all know by now, or if you don't I had to quit due to repetitive injury to my lower back and leg. I also had to quit grooming dogs but that's one of those things I'm going to be leaving in 2017

Fast forward to Christmas of 2017 and I was gifted a three month membership to my local (and awesome) gym from an amazing friend and body builder Wynette. Then a week later I was gifted three more months buy a family that I simply adore. I will never be able to thank them enough.

I started back on January 1st 2018.

I have so say that I have missed the gym so much more then I could have ever imagined and it makes me feel so good to be back in there.

But....

It takes me thirty minutes before I can get out of my car and go inside. Sometimes longer, sometimes never.

I have been lucky that I have never had a negative experience in my gym. Since day one, no one has been outright ugly about me being there, at least not to my face. I've even made a few friends. Hey Cole!

But.....

My anxiety still kicks in when I pull into the parking lot.


I felt much more comfortable when I know someone who is already inside. Makes it a bit easier to go in but once my mind starts racing it doesn't stop until I'm back in my car.

I worry about falling walking across the parking lot. I worry that if I don't know anyone inside that someone is going to tell me to leave or that I shouldn't be in there. I worry that I'm not using the machines right and everyone is laughing at me. I worry that I'm going to do something wrong and hurt myself even more. I worry that I'm going to try and stand up and can't or I'm going to trip and fall.

Being a person of size I am always aware of how much space I take up in any given situation. I try to be small and not in the way or quiet. It's a fucking hard habit to break but one that's been ingrained in me since I was young.

It may not seam like it but going to the gym actually helps with that. In spite of my anxiety about being in there I always feel better after a workout. I feel stronger and less helpless.

A month and a half later and I still look forward to going. I just need a little help once I get there. Never be afraid to ask for help. I have to give a big shout out to Jackie, he has helped me in many ways but he's always the first voice that comes to mind when I get there and can't get out of the car and nine times out of ten it works.

I've only left with out going in twice.


I hate myself in the moment when I'm driving home but the next day I'm right back there trying it again.

I love the way working out makes me feel, how I can tell when I've done the workout right and I'm sore the next day. How my body is stronger and yeah my waist smaller. For me going to the gym is not just about being less fat. It's about being the best version of me I can be. I know my leg will most likely not be like it was before but I can't stop living because of it.

If you are someone who wants to start working out I want to tell you to do it. Find your motivation and do it. Ask for help, from friends, family and even other gym goers. The majority of the time when I don't know what I'm doing there in someone in there that will help me if I just ask.

Tell me about your positive gym experiences. What or who motivates you? Did you struggle? Do you still struggle? Let me know.

As always thank you for being here,
xoxo
Kayla

P.S.
I want to start making these into videos.

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