Fat Girl Musings: I went swimming in a two piece.

So it's been 3 years since I went swimming and about 5 years since I wore a bathing suit.

I was housing sitting for a family and they have a very nice in ground pool. I was excited yet terrified. I love the water but never felt totally comfortable around it due to my size yet I never wanted to ware a swim suit with a skirt on it or a t-shirt over it. I wanted the badass black and red one piece with the cutouts and the zipper. I wanted the two piece shorts and halter top. But when you're fatter then your friends you're made to feel insecure and ashamed about reveling your body.

One of my favorite things to do in the Arizona Summer was to go swimming but every time I would round the corner of the bathroom that led to the pool I would stop and look to see how many people were there that day. Was there a lounge far enough away from everyone else? Did I need to cover myself up more? Was that one super cute lifeguard there that never gave me the time of day and wouldn't save me if I was drowning?

We moved to Oklahoma when I was almost 17. I can count the amount of times on one hand that I've be swimming.

So when the chance to swim in a private pool came, I took it.

I swam alone, in the dusk, for an hour. It was amazing.

I didn't have the time (or money) to buy a quality suit so I opted for a cheap bra and boy shorts. I have to say I had a lot of fun, I have never been outside in so little clothing in my entire life. It was liberating and I felt sexy as fuck.

What was really screwed up was that I was more afraid to swim in front of my 16yo niece then I was my 15yo nephew. I knew he wouldn't judge me and I knew deep down that she wouldn't either but it took me a minute (or 20) to get my swim on with her.

Next time I get the chance to swim I'm going to buy the red and black suit with the cutouts and the zipper.

Forever your Fat Girl,
Kayla