Fat Girl Musings: I don't want to be fat anymore?
Hey everyone!
So I have been thinking about writing this for a couple of weeks now and I wasn't really sure where to start.
Here is goes: I don't want to be fat anymore.
There I said it. As a fat woman, a body positive believer and supporter I feel like a traitor. I have always been fat; since I was nine I've known my body was different. I've always been different and have for the most part accepted that. I just never understood why no one else did. When I was 12 I had the biggest crush on a boy named Josh. We bowled on the same league and I wanted to kiss him. I asked his friend if he would ask Josh if he liked me. He told me Josh said no because I was "kinda fat". I was devastated, I cried for days and wanted to never bowl again.
I remember this day like it was yesterday, because it happens every time I show interest in a guy. From the sweet guy at the Taco place to the smoldering guy at the local big box store. I'm kinda fat and they are just not into that. But after dropping two dress sizes that's starting to change.
I'm still kinda fat, just not quite as fat as I used to be and this where my guilt comes in. My 30 year old self jumps up and down every time I dead lift a 150lbs dog, and for a while that was awesome until my 12 year old self jumps up and down every time the scales read a lower number then the time before.
As fucked up as it is I am loving the attention I get from men. I'm starting to get second glances and smiles. Head turns and flirtatious chatter. It may seam vain and slightly insane but as someone who has never felt attractive to the opposite sex it feels good. It feels real fucking good.
My 12yo self keeps telling 30yo me that if we keep loosing weight we will finally meet that guy we've been dreaming about and we will be so god damned deliriously happy, and all of the trauma and bullshit we've endured will be worth it.
Now I know there are many, many, many fat woman/straight sized man couples in the world. I follow quite a few on social media and see it everyday in my real life but....where is my guy?
I have truly accepted my body and myself. I love who I am, I'm smart, stunning, and fucking hilarious. I'm also alone and that I hate.
I go to the gym 5 days a week because I enjoy it. I'm also enjoying seeing the changes in my body, from the way my muscles are growing to the amount of weight I can move around. I'm also starting to enjoy the fat loss and that scares me. My insecurities about my body are starting to creep back in, the amount of fat I have is no longer okay and I'm having a hard time adjusting my brain into accepting this version of myself. It's weird and frustrating.
On one hand I'm this badass fat goddess who loves every curve and soft edge who can handle her business and kick ass if need be. Yet on the other hand is an insecure little girl looking for validation, a hand to hold and a happily ever after. I don't know how to find the balance.
I'm always going to be kinda fat, I just hope I can be kinda fat and loved.
~ Kinda Fat Kayla
So I have been thinking about writing this for a couple of weeks now and I wasn't really sure where to start.
Here is goes: I don't want to be fat anymore.
There I said it. As a fat woman, a body positive believer and supporter I feel like a traitor. I have always been fat; since I was nine I've known my body was different. I've always been different and have for the most part accepted that. I just never understood why no one else did. When I was 12 I had the biggest crush on a boy named Josh. We bowled on the same league and I wanted to kiss him. I asked his friend if he would ask Josh if he liked me. He told me Josh said no because I was "kinda fat". I was devastated, I cried for days and wanted to never bowl again.
I remember this day like it was yesterday, because it happens every time I show interest in a guy. From the sweet guy at the Taco place to the smoldering guy at the local big box store. I'm kinda fat and they are just not into that. But after dropping two dress sizes that's starting to change.
I'm still kinda fat, just not quite as fat as I used to be and this where my guilt comes in. My 30 year old self jumps up and down every time I dead lift a 150lbs dog, and for a while that was awesome until my 12 year old self jumps up and down every time the scales read a lower number then the time before.
As fucked up as it is I am loving the attention I get from men. I'm starting to get second glances and smiles. Head turns and flirtatious chatter. It may seam vain and slightly insane but as someone who has never felt attractive to the opposite sex it feels good. It feels real fucking good.
My 12yo self keeps telling 30yo me that if we keep loosing weight we will finally meet that guy we've been dreaming about and we will be so god damned deliriously happy, and all of the trauma and bullshit we've endured will be worth it.
Now I know there are many, many, many fat woman/straight sized man couples in the world. I follow quite a few on social media and see it everyday in my real life but....where is my guy?
I have truly accepted my body and myself. I love who I am, I'm smart, stunning, and fucking hilarious. I'm also alone and that I hate.
I go to the gym 5 days a week because I enjoy it. I'm also enjoying seeing the changes in my body, from the way my muscles are growing to the amount of weight I can move around. I'm also starting to enjoy the fat loss and that scares me. My insecurities about my body are starting to creep back in, the amount of fat I have is no longer okay and I'm having a hard time adjusting my brain into accepting this version of myself. It's weird and frustrating.
On one hand I'm this badass fat goddess who loves every curve and soft edge who can handle her business and kick ass if need be. Yet on the other hand is an insecure little girl looking for validation, a hand to hold and a happily ever after. I don't know how to find the balance.
I'm always going to be kinda fat, I just hope I can be kinda fat and loved.
~ Kinda Fat Kayla
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